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You’re having an unplanned pregnancy, and now your boyfriend wants you to get an abortion… but you’re not sure you want to. If you get an abortion, will you regret it? If you don’t get an abortion, will he leave? Will you resent him either way? If this is you right now, you’re understandably facing a whirlwind of doubt, fear, and some very tough questions. Let’s talk about what you can do in a situation like this.
If You’re Hesitating To Get An Abortion There are many different reasons why you might hesitate to get an abortion, regardless of whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life. If you’re pro-choice, it’s easy to feel like you’re not accurately representing your beliefs if you choose not to get an abortion. But remember, pro-choice includes the choice to keep a pregnancy, even if it’s unplanned. Having an abortion you don’t want or aren’t sure about, isn’t pro-choice. If you’re pro-life, you might already know whether you want an abortion or not, but still find it just as hard to make that decision when your partner doesn’t agree with it. Understanding His Point Of View Sit down with your partner and have a conversation where you’ll each sincerely attempt to understand each other. Find out why he wants you to have an abortion. What are his reasons? They might include fear of responsibility, financial concerns, or simple unpreparedness - this was, after all, unplanned. Explain why you’re hesitant to have an abortion, and why you might not agree with what he wants. You can understand someone’s perspective, but maintain a different viewpoint. You can understand their reasoning, their emotions, their background, their values, but still… have your own. You might say, “I see where you're coming from, and I understand why you'd feel that way. I just don't see it the same way." You can empathize with someone and still make a different choice. Remember, understanding why he wants you to have an abortion doesn’t mean you owe it to him to get one. Empathy doesn’t equal obligation. If you feel like you owe it to him to have an abortion that you don’t want, consider whether it could stem from a deeper belief that kindness means compliance, from fear of being alone, from a long-standing pattern of putting others’ needs ahead of your own, or just from a strong desire to avoid disappointing him. Somewhere in this conversation, you should discuss the different abortion options and what the procedures are like. As with any medical procedure, you should know what will happen before, during, and after the procedure, as well as any long and short-term risks. Your partner should understand what they’re asking you to do, and you need to be able to give informed consent if you’re considering having the procedure. Talk about all your options - abortion, adoption, and parenting. It’s ok if some options are ruled out very quickly, but you should both have an understanding of why. Be mindful of any signs that he may be pressuring you. It’s one thing for him to communicate his opinion, it’s another thing to try to coerce or manipulate you. If you recognize signs of coercion, it might not be productive or healthy to continue the conversation at that time. What Pressure Looks Like How can you tell whether someone’s just sharing their point of view, or trying to pressure you? Here are some signs to look for.
If you feel pressured to get an abortion that you’re uncertain about, it can be helpful to use statements that show empathy without compromising your own beliefs. Here are some phrases you might be able to use, if it feels right in your situation.
The Future Of Your Relationship Things might not be as bad as they seem. His first reaction isn’t his final reaction. This is tough for both of you, and he might need some time to process the news. Legally, women usually have the right to decide whether they have an abortion or not. The father doesn’t typically have a legal right to make the decision. If you’re being pressured to get an abortion, that coercion can make it feel like abortion is your only choice - but it’s not. Just because they don’t like your other choice, doesn’t mean you don’t still get to choose. If you’re worrying about what the future of your relationship might look like, it could go a few directions, including: If you don’t have an abortion,
Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Consider getting counseling - call our team any time of night or day at 720-386-6009. Turn to your support system. See a doctor to make sure you’re healthy. Get an ultrasound to confirm how far along you are. If your boyfriend wants you to get an abortion but you’re unsure, hopefully this guide helps you navigate your emotions, find clarity, and stand up for your choice.
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If you’re reading this, you might be facing an unexpected pregnancy and trying to make sense of a difficult situation, and torn between getting an abortion and keeping your baby. No blog article will be able to make that decision for you. However, having clear, thoughtful information can help you feel more confident and supported as you consider your next steps. This post will help you feel a little more grounded as you figure out the best option for you.
When you're facing an unexpected pregnancy, there are three main paths to consider: - Parenting - Adoption - Abortion There are a few common factors that usually impact someone’s decision to continue the pregnancy or get an abortion: - Finances - Social support - Personal values - Future goals and plans - Emotional attachment - Interest in parenting The factors that are most important to one person might not matter as much to someone else. Everyone’s situation is unique. With that in mind, let’s talk about common reasons why people may or may not choose each of the three options: Parenting Reasons why people choose not to parent: - They don’t feel prepared to parent right now. - They don’t want to be a parent, ever. - They don’t want to raise a child with their current partner. - They don’t think it’s good timing to become a parent. - They don’t have enough financial stability. - They don’t have a good support system. - Parenting would stop them from pursuing other goals. Reasons why people choose to parent: - They always wanted to become a parent. - Choosing to parent aligns with their values. - They’re attracted to the joys of parenting. - They’re emotionally bonded to the baby. - Parenting gives them purpose and hope for the future. - They’re uncertain about being able to have kids later on. - They think they’ll regret aborting or adopting. Adoption Reasons why people choose not to have an adoption: - They feel connected to their baby. - They’re worried about what would happen to their baby. - They want the opportunity to be a mother. - They have concerns about the adoptive process. - They’re worried about being judged. - They think the long-term impact will be negative. - They want to keep the pregnancy a secret. Reasons why people choose to have an adoption: - They want more life experience before being responsible for a child. - They aren’t interested in raising a family. - They’re not in a healthy or long-term relationship. - They don’t think they can provide a stable, safe home for a child. - They want to give adoptive parents the chance to have a family. - They want to help the child have parents who will care for it. - They don’t want to have an abortion. Abortion Reasons why people choose not to abort: - They’re willing, or even excited, to parent. - They would rather let another couple adopt their baby. - They don’t want to go through the medical procedure. - Their partner, family, friends, counselor, or confidante are supportive. - They’re able to get financial assistance. - They have access to resources that help them pursue their other goals. - They’re honoring their religious beliefs or personal values. Reasons why people choose to abort: - They don’t want to carry the pregnancy to term. - They don’t want to give birth. - They have health concerns. - The pregnancy resulted from a traumatic event. - They want to move on with their lives relatively quickly. - They don’t want to go through an adoption. - They don’t want to parent. When you’re ready, it might help to set aside some quiet time to think about your situation - a time when you’ll have some privacy and won’t be interrupted. Have some water, a snack, a notepad, and a pen nearby. If you start feeling overwhelmed, take a few deep breaths. While it’s important to have the support of others when making a life-changing decision like this, it can also be helpful to go into those conversations with a good sense of your own situation. If you want to speak with a licensed counselor, get financial help with medical care or tuition, or find a support group with other students, call or text us at 720-386-6009. Our compassionate confidantes are ready to listen to you and help you understand all of your options any time of day or night (it’s free and completely confidential). The Avi Project provides all the resources, education, and emotional tools expectant students need to take the fear out of college pregnancy. We're the bridge between college pregnancy and the necessary resources to navigate through it, and we don’t think any student should have to go through it alone. Women facing unexpected pregnancy often worry they’ll regret the way they handled this difficult situation. It can seem like there are no good options, and any choice could destroy your future, ruin your relationships, or both. Students experiencing unexpected pregnancy frequently worry about how their choice will impact their college plans and career path. There is an enormous amount of pressure to make the right choice, but it can feel impossible to know what that is.
Evaluating all your options - keeping the baby, having an abortion, or going through with adoption - can be overwhelming. Today, we’re going to discuss abortion, and one of the most common questions about it - “Will I regret having an abortion?” It’s a reasonable question to ask before any life-changing procedure, including this one. The good news is that there are more and more studies on the long-term impact of abortion. The bad news is that they’re somewhat conflicting. One study found that 84% of women mostly had positive feelings about their abortion several years afterward. Another study found that 53-63% of women experienced guilt, 41-66% experienced regret, 64-74% sadness, and 31-43% anger. Yet another study found that, five years post-abortion, more than 95% of respondents said that abortion was the right decision for them. But then another study reported that 60% of women who had abortions would have preferred not to. Some people have questioned whether these studies were designed correctly and whether there could have been biases at play, but regardless, the conflicting results can be confusing. So, for women who do regret having an abortion - why do they regret it? What factors can increase your chances of experiencing regret? Some women have an abortion, want children, but then experience infertility later in life and are unable to have kids. Some women were pressured or coerced into having an abortion that they didn’t want, or felt obligated to have an abortion for their partner or their family. Some women discover that the medical procedure is not what they expected. They regret having an abortion because if they had known what the medical procedure was like, they wouldn’t have wanted it. Some women regret their abortion because they wonder who their child would have been, and what life would be like now with them in it. Some women wanted to keep their baby, but felt like external factors made caring for a child impossible. There are a range of other feelings that can accompany regret, including loss, guilt, shame, and even depression, creating a complicated emotional landscape. While an unclear percentage of women regret their abortion, those who do regret it often report that it’s the thing they regret most in life and it’s continued to bother them for decades after the procedure. Abortion regret, when it does happen, is very personal and multi-faceted. Hopefully in the future, we will develop a better understanding of how abortion impacts women and their mental health in the long-term. Abortion Regret FAQs How long does abortion grief last? This varies widely. Some women do not report experiencing grief after their abortions. Some women find that abortion grief lasts a few months, and fades with time. Some women don’t experience grief about their abortion until years after it happened. And other women regret their abortions almost immediately, and grieve for decades afterward. What percentage of people regret having an abortion? Studies report highly variable rates of abortion regret and mental health struggles following abortion. Is it normal to regret an abortion? Any life event where you experience loss or make a difficult and life-changing decision has the potential to trigger regret. Is having an abortion traumatic? There are several different ways to have an abortion, and some women find the procedures more traumatic than others. It’s important to learn about what abortion involves to best judge whether it would be a traumatic experience for you. If you’re a pregnant student facing unplanned pregnancy, and you’re not sure how to move forward, the Avi Project specializes in supporting unexpectedly pregnant college students. We want every student to feel truly free to make the best choice for them, without worrying that they’re sacrificing their education or career. By providing resources like tuition assistance, housing, medical care, access to licensed counselors, career counseling, and more, we empower students to chase their dreams, and ensure they have the support they need to pursue their education. Contact us any time, any day, at 720-386-6009. If you don’t like talking on the phone, texting is just fine. It’s 100% confidential and commitment-free. |
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