My Boyfriend Wants Me To Have An Abortion

You’re having an unplanned pregnancy, and now your boyfriend wants you to get an abortion… but you’re not sure you want to. If you get an abortion, will you regret it? If you don’t get an abortion, will he leave? Will you resent him either way? If this is you right now, you’re understandably facing a whirlwind of doubt, fear, and some very tough questions. Let’s talk about what you can do in a situation like this.

If You’re Hesitating To Get An Abortion
There are many different reasons why you might hesitate to get an abortion, regardless of whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life.

If you’re pro-choice, it’s easy to feel like you’re not accurately representing your beliefs if you choose not to get an abortion. But remember, pro-choice includes the choice to keep a pregnancy, even if it’s unplanned. Having an abortion you don’t want or aren’t sure about, isn’t pro-choice.

If you’re pro-life, you might already know whether you want an abortion or not, but still find it just as hard to make that decision when your partner doesn’t agree with it.

Understanding His Point Of View
Sit down with your partner and have a conversation where you’ll each sincerely attempt to understand each other. 

Find out why he wants you to have an abortion. What are his reasons? They might include fear of responsibility, financial concerns, or simple unpreparedness - this was, after all, unplanned.

Explain why you’re hesitant to have an abortion, and why you might not agree with what he wants. You can understand someone’s perspective, but maintain a different viewpoint. You can understand their reasoning, their emotions, their background, their values, but still… have your own. You might say, “I see where you're coming from, and I understand why you'd feel that way. I just don't see it the same way." You can empathize with someone and still make a different choice.

Remember, understanding why he wants you to have an abortion doesn’t mean you owe it to him to get one. Empathy doesn’t equal obligation. If you feel like you owe it to him to have an abortion that you don’t want, consider whether it could stem from a deeper belief that kindness means compliance, from fear of being alone, from a long-standing pattern of putting others’ needs ahead of your own, or just from a strong desire to avoid disappointing him.

Somewhere in this conversation, you should discuss the different abortion options and what the procedures are like. As with any medical procedure, you should know what will happen before, during, and after the procedure, as well as any long and short-term risks. Your partner should understand what they’re asking you to do, and you need to be able to give informed consent if you’re considering having the procedure.

Talk about all your options - abortion, adoption, and parenting. It’s ok if some options are ruled out very quickly, but you should both have an understanding of why.

Be mindful of any signs that he may be pressuring you. It’s one thing for him to communicate his opinion, it’s another thing to try to coerce or manipulate you. If you recognize signs of coercion, it might not be productive or healthy to continue the conversation at that time.

What Pressure Looks Like
How can you tell whether someone’s just sharing their point of view, or trying to pressure you? Here are some signs to look for.

• Emotional 
  
  • Emotional pressure is usually used to make you feel responsible for someone else’s emotional state or future. It can sound like:
    
  • If you keep the baby, you’re ruining my life.
    
  • If you loved me, you would get an abortion.
    
  • How can you do this to me after everything we’ve been through?
    
• Verbal
  
  • Verbal pressure demeans, dismisses, or badgers you to get you to change your mind. It can sound like:
    
  • You’re not thinking straight - just do it and thank me later.
    
  • Don’t be stupid. This is the only smart option.
    
  • Everyone else in your situation would get an abortion. Why can’t you see that?
    
• Coercive
  
  • Coercive pressure relies on fear or consequences. It can sound like: 
    
  • If you don’t get an abortion, I’m leaving and never looking back.
    
  • If you keep the baby, you’ll have to find somewhere else to live.
    
  • I’ll make sure you regret it if you don’t do what I say.
    

How To Respond To Pressure
If you feel pressured to get an abortion that you’re uncertain about, it can be helpful to use statements that show empathy without compromising your own beliefs. Here are some phrases you might be able to use, if it feels right in your situation.

• “I need space to figure out what I want before I decide.”
  
• “I understand your fears, but I need you to understand mine too.”
  
• “I see where you're coming from, and part of me feels torn because I care. But I also know I’d be saying yes for the wrong reasons — and I don’t want to do that to either of us.”
  
• “I understand that this would make things easier for you, and I really do get why you feel that way. But this is my body, and I’m not comfortable with the procedure. I need that to be respected.”
  
• “I’ve thought a lot about this, and while I know it would relieve some pressure on you, I’m not okay with going through with it. I’m saying no.”
  

It could help to sit down with an objective third party, such as a counselor, if you’re struggling to have these conversations with your partner. If you feel that you’re being pressured to have an abortion, call us today at 720-386-6009 for help and support. We specialize in helping pregnant college students navigate unexpected pregnancies, and it’s completely free and confidential.

The Future Of Your Relationship
Things might not be as bad as they seem. His first reaction isn’t his final reaction. This is tough for both of you, and he might need some time to process the news.

Legally, women usually have the right to decide whether they have an abortion or not. The father doesn’t typically have a legal right to make the decision. If you’re being pressured to get an abortion, that coercion can make it feel like abortion is your only choice - but it’s not. Just because they don’t like your other choice, doesn’t mean you don’t still get to choose.

If you’re worrying about what the future of your relationship might look like, it could go a few directions, including:

If you don’t have an abortion,

• He could step up in unexpected ways and surprise himself and you
  
• He could leave you
  
• He could be overwhelmed with the responsibilities of parenthood
  
• Your relationship will change no matter what
  

If you do have an abortion,

• You could spend the rest of your life resenting him
  
• You could stay together
  
• You could leave him
  
• Your relationship will change no matter what
  

What’s Next?
Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Consider getting counseling - call our team any time of night or day at 720-386-6009. Turn to your support system. See a doctor to make sure you’re healthy. Get an ultrasound to confirm how far along you are. If your boyfriend wants you to get an abortion but you’re unsure, hopefully this guide helps you navigate your emotions, find clarity, and stand up for your choice.

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